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Journey to Self-Discovery: Solitude and Realization

20 Aug

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People used to ask me what brought me here in the sandbox. Usually I would just smile at them and shrug my shoulders because truth be told, heartbreak brought me here.

Life at home was actually very good. I have with me my family and friends as well as a good paying job. Sadly, it was the worst breakup I had hence I wanted to isolate myself and be somewhere where nobody knows me.

Qatar was my choice but my family especially my brother didn’t agree with my plan. Anyhow, to make the long story short, my self-imposed isolation didn’t materialize. Then life happened.

Who would have thought that it will take six years for my wish to be granted. Yes, after six long years, I’m finally alone.

This is my choice. I could have easily abandoned this pursuit but I know in my heart that this is what I needed right now. To be alone. To be on my own.

The trials I’ve encountered this past couple of weeks were more than what I have expected. Nevertheless, I welcomed them all because I know they are part of my journey.

Basing from what I’ve gone through so far, I realized that solitude is one heck of a challenge.

It’s never easy to be alone when you’re brokenhearted because at some point every memories you had with the person will come rushing in. And when this happens, you’ll be overwhelmed and be conflicted. You’ll start asking yourself why you are subjecting yourself to this kind of difficulties.

I know because that’s what happened to me. Frankly, I doubted myself for the first few days. I thought I could never be able to distance myself from the person but eventually I did. My daily pep talk during those days was “let’s just survive today.” I was literally counting the days.

It was on my third week when our memories started overwhelming me.

When you remember all the good times you had like that feeling you have when he treats you as part of his life; the thought that you will do everything so he’ll succeed, he’ll be happy and he’ll feel that you’ll always be there for him, you can’t help but wish that things could have stayed that way forever.

I’ll be lying if I’ll say I didn’t think of giving it another try because I did. The only thing that stopped me from doing so is the realization that I’m not only doing this for me but also for him.

It’s my way of liberating him from all the negativity I may have brought into his life. Solitude made me accept that I have my fair share of faults too which contributed to the demise of whatever we had.

My time alone also reminded me of what I used to believe in – I’m not a victim. When you stop perceiving yourself as the victim and start taking responsibility of all your actions including its consequences then you’ll start noticing the positives despite the difficulties and begin navigating your life towards acceptance and healing.

If I’ll be given an opportunity to turn back the time, I will not change a single thing at all because I was once happy with him. Also, I would rather keep things as it is because life is teaching me one last lesson concerning my feelings for him – he doesn’t deserve my honesty, loyalty, trust, care and most especially love just as much as I don’t deserve his lies.

While I was struggling with my emotional issues, life seems to believe that it’s a great idea to throw in some financial problems as well. I had a strong feeling that life wanted to measure how far I can go.

Have you experienced dealing with financial problems all by yourself? It’s scary right? I think so too. I was really determined to be alone no matter what life throws at me yet when she hits me financially, I almost faltered. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been independent when it comes to money matters but I realized that when you’re on your own such issue seems being magnified.

Anyhow, I assured myself that I can do this. “Two more months girl and everything will be back to normal”, that’s what I told myself. Somehow believing that you have the capacity to overcome such trials makes it easier to handle.

I’m glad that I encountered being broke while I’m alone because I realized that I have to be wiser with my finances so I won’t be in the same situation again. Also, I have proven to myself that it may shake me but I will not crumble as long as I have faith in myself.

Solitude is indeed one heck of a challenge but the realizations you get out from it will change your perspectives and redirect you to a better path.

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Posted by on August 20, 2015 in self-discovery

 

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