People used to term it “midlife crisis”… Well, I won’t. Rather, I’ll call this my early midlife awakening. Yes, awakening because for years I’ve been in a deep slumber, in a sense, that I allowed my life to be in autopilot. Somehow it felt like I was just a spectator of my own life – I was on the side watching it passed me by. Of course there were moments when I actively participate in it but most of the time I just let things unfold on its own whether I want them to or not. On some days, I would think that my life is out of my control, even though I’m well aware that I have within me, the power to change my circumstances. Yet, I didn’t have the courage to do what I needed to do or perhaps my pride and fear got a better hold on me.
Unexpectedly, a wonderful yet painful life event happened to me. I got pregnant then I had a miscarriage. That’s when I started to see my life in a different way. Some say that maybe I’m experiencing postpartum syndrome or that I’m still depressed with my miscarriage. They may be right, they may be wrong so I will not discount their theory. However, as I know myself better, the life changing decision I made was done because I finally understood a little more about life and what it means to fully live.
I will not deny that the postpartum syndrome/depression theory lingered in my mind for a while but there’s this one question that was bothering me though – Isn’t postpartum depression mostly associated with child birth? Well, in a way, I did deliver my “baby” during my miscarriage but knowing and understanding what my OB Gyne told me about my baby’s fate, made it easier for me to accept the loss. My doctor was right, it was better for my angel to go back to heaven than to grow up and suffer through life because right from the start, there was already a sign of chromosomal abnormalities and hormonal problems. For someone who lost her mother at the age of 9, I was not a stranger to grief and letting go (death) nor was I a stranger of suffering as I saw with my own eyes how my mother suffered with her illness. I don’t want my baby to go through that, hence, I accepted the inevitable with an open heart and wished my angel well. So, I believe postpartum syndrome/depression is out of the question.
Eventually, I realized that people wanted to label my decision in accordance to society’s norms because seeing me intentionally deviate from what is normal seems very difficult for them to accept. Yes, I made a life changing decision because my eyes were opened to reality that living in autopilot is not beneficial to me or to anyone. I may sound mean and selfish but I realized that it’s time to be real to myself and to my husband. It’s not that I didn’t love him, I did, but it wasn’t enough. All my disappointments, frustrations, dissatisfaction, pain, and hatred drifted me farther away from him to a point where I could no longer pretend to live a supposed happy life.
It was my mistake, I know and accepted that. It was not nice of me to lead him on for years and make him believe that everything is peachy when in reality they are not. I was not happy because I could not let go of the past. I would be lying if I’ll say that I didn’t want my marriage to end months after getting married because I did. In fact, I have run the scenario in my head for the hundredth time but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because of fear – to be alone, to be judged (to name a few). Nonetheless, I used to think that whatever I’m going through was normal for married couple in their early years until I unexpectedly started to be infatuated with someone. This realization was the defining moment because it opened my eyes and forced me to see myself for who I really am and it made me question a lot of things about myself and my life.
For one thing, did I make the right decision to marry someone whom I previously loathed for breaking my heart into tiny pieces? I guess not because I realized that after all those years, I still have not totally forgotten or forgiven him for causing me that pain. I knew that I cannot really fully heal if aside from the past hurt, I’m also keeping score of all his present mistakes. I have to stop. It has to stop. I certainly didn’t like the person I’m becoming – unhappy, bitter, apathetic.
Disregarding everything, do I really love my husband wholeheartedly? I don’t think so because if I do then I will never be interested or even attracted to anyone else. I know, in a way, I already cheated through my thoughts and my emotions and before it becomes a full-blown cheating, I told my husband about it. I told him not because I want to save the marriage but rather to make him understand that I’m not the one for him. Besides, I’ve realized that if I’m going to break his heart, at least, I’ll be honest enough to tell him the truth and brave enough to say in his face that this marriage ceased to exist because of me – and I’m giving him the liberty to place the blame on me.
It was never my intention to return the favor but he deserves someone who can love him more than I can. Who can give her heart to him fully and not just bits and pieces of it. If I stay and continue to pretend, then I’m just robbing us both the opportunity to be truly happy.
You see, this is truly a midlife awakening because for the first time in years, I’m finally being true to myself and to the people around me. I no longer care about other people’s judgment or opinion of me because no matter what I do, they will always have something to say. Besides, my life is my own – I don’t need to conform to anyone’s standards or rules.
I am now fully awake and taking control of my life. It is truly wonderful to be alive and present!
Her.Story 